Waiting.

March marks one whole year of being parents to the 3 toughest, most spectacular little humans and 1 brave and mighty angel! We chose to not move forward with the blog after our babies were born, keeping many things private as we learned how to navigate the uncharted waters of becoming first-time parents, living in the NICU, watching others work tirelessly to keep our children alive. Their extremely early arrival at just 25 weeks and 5 days ripped away whatever tiny bit of control we thought we had and left us scared, overwhelmed, and raw. I never knew true vulnerability until I saw our babies for the first time. As a mother, seeing the four tiniest, most precious beings fighting so hard inside their little isolates without being able to do anything was nothing short of excruciating. So, I did the only thing I could think to do. I prayed. My sole focus and all my energy went into being there for our babies, surrounding them in prayer, never leaving their sides, and finding out how to be their voice, advocate, and biggest supporter.

I have opened my computer to start writing this many times over the past year, only to find myself paralyzed, mind wandering, staring blankly at the screen. I originally believed this mental block came from the overwhelming questions of “where do I even start?” and “how can I begin to put the events of this last year into words?” And while this is certainly part of it, I think the true reason is that I was waiting.

Waiting to be at a place where I felt our family was safe and settled. Safe from unexpected surgeries, tear-filled doctor visits, and constant, anxiety-inducing reminders about how we need to do our best to keep our babies from getting sick because of the uncertainty of how their bodies could handle even a common cold. I wanted to be able to share something like how we were able to leave the trauma and worries of our life in the NICU behind the moment we walked out those hospital doors. To present the world with a few bullet points of our journey in posts titled something like “10 Tips and Tricks to Surviving the NICU” and wrapping it up with a big shiny “We’re all doing great now though!” But life isn’t a Pinterest post and healing doesn’t happen overnight. Healing for me has been messy and sad, carrying a broken heart full of painful memories, anger, and confusion. But it has also been incredibly beautiful, full of intense joy and hope, the purest love, and countless miracles.

And I realized that I may end up waiting my whole life to feel ready enough to be open and share about our experiences. But it’s time. Time to share about all God has done in our lives. To share about the real-life angels who went above and beyond to ensure our babies had the best care and chance at life. Share about the people we have met along the way who will forever have a place in our hearts. And most of all, share about our amazing warriors. To give them something to look back on as they get older to remind them that God has given them the strength the conquer anything that comes their way.